Saw good text joke thursday:
Canoeist John Darwin said to police on his arrest: 2 sorry for all of the inconvenience, thats the last time I go on Holiday with the McCann's!

How to shower like a woman

* Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

* Get in the shower.

* Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

* Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

* Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

* Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

* Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

* Rinse conditioner off hair.

* Shave armpits and legs.

* Turn off shower.

* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

* Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

* Get out of shower.

* Dry with towel the size of a small country.

* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

* If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

* Walk naked to the bathroom.

* If you see partner along the way, shake w*lly at her making the ‘woo-woo' sound.

* Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

* Admire the size of your w*lly and scratch your bum.

* Get in the shower.

* Wash your face.

* Wash your armpits.

* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

* Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area

* Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

* Wash your hair.

* Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

* Wee.

* Rinse off and get out of shower.

* Partially dry off.

* Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

* Admire w*lly size in mirror again.

* Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

* Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

* If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake w*lly at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

* Throw wet towel on bed.

Did you hear about the special edition tampon??

Instead of string it comes with tinsel, available for the Christmas period only.

Armed man in a ski mask bursts into a bank:
‘OPEN THE SAFE!’
‘Its not a normal bank!’ says the girl at the window.
The gunman points the shooter at her: ‘OPEN THE *?@%* SAFE!’
‘Its not a normal bank!’ repeats the girl at the window.
‘OPEN THE *?@%* SAFE AND DO IT NOW!!!!!’

So the assistant goes with the man to the safe and opens the vault door.
‘TAKE OUT ONE OF THE VILES!’
She takes one out.
‘TAKE THE TOP OFF AND DRINK IT!”
‘But why?’  The assistant cries.
Pointing the shooter at the woman ‘TAKE THE TOP OFF AND DRINK IT, *?@%*#* DO IT!”

She takes the top off the container and drinks the contents.

‘TAKE THE TOP OFF ANOTHER ONE AND DRINK IT, NOW!”

She takes the top off the second container and drinks the contents.
‘But why?’  she begs

The man rips his ski mask off…….
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Its her boyfriend…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
NOT SO BLOODY DIFFICULT IS IT?

My wife has Old Dyson's syndrome.

She makes a constant whining noise and doesn't suck any more....

As of January 2008, Viagra will only be available under its correct medical name.

Please ask your pharmacist for Mycoxafloppin.  

Condoms:-

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms AND kept the same taglines...........

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National Condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra

Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready Condoms - Keep going and going.

Pringles Condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear Condoms - "For a longer ride go wide"

Muller Light Condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault Condoms - Size really does matter!

Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work

Domestos Condoms - Gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken Condoms - Reaches parts that others just cannot reach

Carlsberg Condoms - Probably the best in the world

Mars Condoms - Pleasure you can't measure

AA Condoms - For the 4th emergency service

Pepperami Condoms - It's a bit of an animal

Polo Condoms - The one with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

L'Oreal Condoms - Because your worth it!

Mr Muscle Condoms - Love the jobs you hate!

He he he - not keen on 'em meself

seem to know enough about em timmy  

Tiger Woods pulls his top of the range BMW into a Tennessee petrol station; ‘Fill er up and check the oil please.’
‘Surely Tiger Sir…shall I check the water?’
‘Yup…please.’
The old timer fills the beamer up, checks under the bonnet and proceeds to clean the drivers window when he sees two small red plastic things in the map pocket; ‘What are those Tiger Sir?’
‘They are Tee’s.’
‘What are they for Tiger Sir?’
‘They’re for putting my balls on when I’m driving!’

‘Jeesssuuuss Tiger…them Germans think of everything!’

Don't know what you mean mate - I've been married donkeys years.......

Quote :

TC wrote : Don't know what you mean mate - I've been married donkeys years.......

I was judging by the above post...you seem to have a degree in Johnnies ha ha

Now if you'd said a degree in Budweiser........

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"  

The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pi**er. I pi** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pi**ed in the middle of my owner's bed."  

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"  

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."  

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked "why are you here?"  

The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."  

"So what are they going to do to you?" the blac k Lab inquired.  

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.  

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"  

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".  

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"  

The black Lab said...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."    

--Last edited by mattmac on 2007-12-14 14:22:12 --

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

“I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”








God replied “ I didn’t f**king recognise you”.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Quote :

TC wrote : A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” thats class tim Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied “ I didn’t f**king recognise you”.

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths......this dangerous practice is known as..................


"E by Gum!"